Uh oh… this is not good! Just when I thought all was OK…
 

I can’t even remember how many doctors I saw today. Everything is a blur. I’ve never felt so lost.

What is wrong with me!? I feel like I’m going crazy. I can’t get any answers out of these people. “Medical speak this, jargon that.”

I’m so confused. I know the internet is full of rubbish, but I’m going to Google anyway!

Oops. Not Ebola. I’m told I have ‘COPD’ and am not dying. That’s a HUGE relief! YAY! But… now I have COPD…

I’m not sure what ‘COPD’ means except that it's forever, which is kind of devastating and scary. I was really distracted at the Clinic and really have no idea what they were saying and these pamphlets they gave me are not helpful. I’m still so confused. Back to Google…

OK, OK, I admit it, I over-reacted.

My new ‘mate-for-life’ Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease isn’t going to be sooooo horrible. Luckily, I found a specialist who’s been great and helped me understand what this all means.

This sucks, but it sounds manageable enough. My specialist really listens to me and makes me feel like I’m THE MOST IMPORTANT HUMAN IN THE WORLD. I kind of love her.

Good grief, there’s a lot on my plate now! I can’t do what I used to and my friends and family don’t really get how hard this is. I don’t feel like I can talk to them about it, it’s so hard to explain and I feel like a downer. Not to mention my specialist is out of town so I can’t even talk to her. Every day I feel shittier… at least I have Petunia.

YAY! Today I feel AWESOMMMMME.

I’m going to see my friends, go outside. Mmmm… *thinks about cupcake*  I can do all the things today! Clean the house, take the cat to the vet, water the plants. *Eats cupcake*

Ughhhhh. I feel like I’m dying.

Oh my god what if I am dying? What if because I ate a cupcake I’m going to die NOW??? Ohhhh I feel so guilty. My plants are dying. My cat is dying. What is my life?!

I’m seeing a whole load of people to treat my conditions. I’ve got my GP clinic, my specialist, I’m trying out a naturopath and I also see a psychologist and chiro. It’s never-ending, my diary is filled with a million appointment reminders, and my health insurance extras are completely maxed out. This is my new social life! What a super awesome group of friends (NOT!).

At least it forces me out of the house (though sometimes I wonder whether I’m a danger to society when I’m behind the wheel!).

I’m afraid I sound whiney. I’m feeling extra crappy because my medication is giving me terrible side effects. I saw my GP (neglecting to mention my diet slip-ups), and she prescribed me a different one to try. This is the third or fourth prescription I’ve tried. Not sure what this one will do to me. But, oh well, I’ll try ‘em anyway.

I feel pretty used to things now. I’m not the same as I used to be. I’m always tired, and I’m not so focussed on my career anymore and I no longer get stuck into my garden. But I’m staying on top of my health.

Each day is different, though. When I wake up in the morning, I wonder is today going to be a good day, or a bad day? Can I go outside today? Or will I have to stay in bed?

It’s hard to know if I’m making any progress. I know I may never get better, but it’d be good to know if the changes I’ve made to my lifestyle are having any positive effect.

I’ve been feeling a little bit weird lately. I’m always thirsty and my toes are tingling. I’ve got another appointment with the doctor in a week. I’ll ask her to check it out then, I suppose.

Here we go again…

Right when I finally settle into a routine managing one condition I start experiencing symptoms of another. It feels like being dumped by a wave, just managing to stand back up again only to peek above the water to see another one heading towards you.